Self-compassion is the single most effective tool for a happier life that I’ve seen in my decade of working in the mental health field.

In our society, we rely on punishment and shame to improve ourselves, so maybe a part of you is thinking, “But who will hold me accountable if I’m doing all this self-compassion?” The answer is that true self-compassion includes accountability, integrity, and good relating. Self-compassion and self-forgiveness do not lead to arrogance or selfishness.

And, just as importantly, punishment and shame don’t work to change behavior unless it’s out of fear. We can choose to live from fear or we can choose to live from love, and there’s only one that lets us feel alive.

What does this look like in therapy?

Self-compassion requires us to become aware of the parts of us that criticize us. Then we can explore why that part is being so critical, and what it’s afraid of happening if you weren’t so hard on yourself. Then we work on neutralizing the criticism by getting more honest about what’s happening. We also work on forgiving ourselves for our flaws and mistakes, because most of the time, we were just being humans, prone to occasional messiness.